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This has nothin 2 do with bikes
but cracked me up immensly.
from an email i received,
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to
allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -- adequate time to retreat
to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting thebatteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say,"don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst
just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm
pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent hrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like
hell!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they end up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl.
but cracked me up immensly.
from an email i received,
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to
allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -- adequate time to retreat
to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting thebatteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say,"don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst
just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm
pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent hrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like
hell!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they end up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl.
Now, if ya could figure how to attach some leads to that device, you could have a hand jump start unit, or a fried TCI box.
Reminds me of the time I just had to see if the electric fence really does work, it does.
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