Classic Nugent!

[HobbyMan]

You know what is worse having a job interfere with riding, school. BTW: There is more than one reason that the Germans could not get across the channel. Maby its the fact that there was more than one Front. Maby its the fact that WE (the United States) were sending them GAS, TANKS, PLANES, and PILOTS before we even joined the war. I am not saying that we were the sole cause of preventing the Germans from crossing. Did you know that the highest casualties on the US side were the Merchant Marines? Shipping to support the allies was one of the most important details in winning the war. Anyway. I am still neutral. I, like PRO, don't like it when I see innacuracies.

[Wildkat]

And now something for our Canadian friends...

Canadian/American Jokes
A 2nd grade teacher in Michigan was teaching her class about citizenship one day. So she asked the class how many of them are American. All but one girl raises her hand. The teacher was curious and asked her why she didn't raise her hand.

"Well you see, my Mom is Canadian. My Dad is Canadian. So that makes me a Canadian."

The teacher gets frustrated and says, "Well, if your Mom is a moron and your Dad is a moron, then what does that make you, a moron?"

The little girl replies, "No, then that would make me an American!"
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. "How are you three guys going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one American. "Watch and you'll see" answers one of the Canadians.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says " Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadian's trick on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy any tickets at all! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see" answers a Canadian.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into one bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves their bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says "Tickets, please!"
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________

On the 6th day, God turned to the archangel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land I am going to call Canada. It will be a land of outstanding beauty, with majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, sparkling lakes teeming with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon. I shall make the land rich in oil, so that these inhabitants may prosper. I will call them Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the face of the earth."
"But Lord" said Gabriel, "Aren't you being a little too generous to these Canadians?"
To which God replied, "Well just wait to see the loud mouth idiots I give them for neighbours!!!"
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________

President George Bush called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"George, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien.

Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Bush. "Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"

"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in color; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "and print 'MADE IN CANADA; MEDIUM SIZE' on each one."
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________

In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought, "That American wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face!"

The fat lady thought, "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him!"

The American thought, "That Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me!"

The Canadian thought, "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again!"
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________

This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US Naval ship and Canadian authorites off the coast of Newfoundland.

US SHIP: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

CANADIAN REPLY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US SHIP: This is the Captain of the US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIAN REPLY: No, I say again, divert YOUR course!

US SHIP: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW OR WE WILL TAKE APPROPRIATE AND DRASTIC MEASURES!!!!

CANADIAN REPLY: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she would get to know her students better by asking what their parents did for a living.

The first girl says "My name is Mary, and my daddy is a postman."

The second girl says "My name is Gracie and my dad is a mechanic"

The next little boy says "My name is Andy, and my dad is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men'

The teacher was taken aback by this and dismissed the class for recess. She then approaches Andy privately and askes if it's true his dad dances for gay men. Andy blushes and says "Well no, but I was too embarassed to say that he played hockey for Team USA!"
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________

A Canadian Apology to the US

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him. I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice. I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain. I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons. And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _________

An American, an Australian and a Canadian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his Budweiser beer, knocked it back in one gulp, threw the glass into the air, and shot it with his handgun. As he set the gun on the bar, he said to the Australian and the Canadian, “In the great U.S. of A. we have so much money, we never drink out of the same glass twice.”

Next the Australian drank his Fosters beer, threw the glass into the air, and shot the glass with the American’s gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he proclaimed, “In Australia, we have so much sand that glass is cheap, and we too never drink out of the same glass twice.”

Finally, the Canadian drank his Labatts Blue beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian, “In Canada, we have so many Americans, we never have to drink with the same one twice.”



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Wildkat...

[mro]

"Tickets, please!"



mro

[trbig]

Hmmmm.... *Tapping foot...

Hey Wildkat.... still waiting for the jokes you promised?? Just kidding... seriously, I was waiting for something funny... got anything??

Tod

[oseaghdha]

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

[trbig]

See Kat... Now oseaghdha knows how to tell a joke! That's some funny stuff right there! lol...


Tod

[Wildkat]

Well geez, Tod

if you can't laugh at yourself... you'll be the only one not laughing...

[prometheus578]

if you can't laugh at yourself... you'll be the only one not laughing...

I consider that line funnier than the proceeding jokes!

[John]

That was good, wasn't it? I LOL when I heard her say it.

[planedick]

This is fun...

Wow, this thread is better than Jerry Springer. Sure good thing there are no weapons on the site.... Can't we all just get along?

[HobbyMan]

You gotta love this site. Its awesome. Do the 7.62x39 SKS/AK rounds on my monitor count as weapons on the site?

[DiverRay]

As WildKat is trying to point out, we all need to laugh WITH each other. If you can laugh AT YOURSELF, you can laugh WITH anybody. Those that cannot laugh at themselves are usually clueless, or just mean. We all go overboard sometimes, but we do try and keep it clean, and friendly here.
Just my $0.02

[MAXIMAN]

Planedick...

GET ALONG? What fun is that!?!?

RO - Why stop at tickets? Wherez the popcorn?

[xsivebiker]

I Know One!!

O.K., I know a joke that might fit right in. 'Hope I'm not repeating anything that has already been posted.
The joke goes something like this:
An elderly American man was aboard a [French?] jet airliner headed to France when the French stewart approached him. The stewart asked for his passport and the elderly man stated that it was inside his luggage that was stored in the cargo hold of the plane.
The French stewart asked the elderly American, "Have you ever been to France before?" The elderly American replied."Yes, once."
The French stewart then stated, "Well, if you've been to France before, then you KNOW that you must have your passport on your person when you enter France."
The elderly American replied, "Well, when I stormed Normandy Beach, I didn't see any Frenchmen to ask for my passport!"
As for Ted Nugent: In 1980 I rode my '78 Honda CB 750K 180 miles 'round trip to see him in concert. As I stood in line outside the civic center, the group of four ahead of me got tickets/seating for the upper level, middle row.
Myself and the friend who rode with me got second row, center stage!
Plus, on the way down, -- -- -- --- we were sorta racing a TransAm on the six lane [I-64] right behind the state capital. 50 mph speed limit. It started something like this: I passed a TransAm doing 50mph and I was doing 60mph. He passed me and slowed down to 55mph. I passed him again and held it on 70 mph. He passed me again and then slowed down to 65mph. At 115 mph we passed the TransAm for the final time. The driver never attempted another pass.
Yes, between the "race" and the good seating that was purely by chance; it was a memorable concert.
Ride Safe,
Greg
'80 XS1100-G "Christine"
'87 GL1200-I
'93 KLX650-C

[oseaghdha]

Another one

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --

And I didn't land."