wife humor

[firecat]

1-How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!

2-Definition of a wife:

(B)eautiful
(I)ntelligent
(T)alented
©harming
(H)omemaker

3-What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.

[webbcraft2150]

I heard there as a cure for regular sex, its called a wedding cake>

Another trueism, "If it has tits or wheels, sooner or later your going to have trouble with it".

[GNEPIG]

tits or tires...

.. i enjoy most of my women raw, but their are just some that have to be battered.
.."can't live with em, can't hunt em for sport"

[mro]

Definition of a wife???

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't really know. My wife just told me to stand here."


mro

[webbcraft2150]

Dats a funny one.

Wedding nite, new couple in there hotel room. Husband says we need to get something straight right now. Throws her his pants and tells her to put them on. She does and tells him they don't fit her at all. He quips, that right, I wear the pants in this family. 'Bout 1/2 hour goes by, she throws him her panties and tells him to put them on. He says, I can't get into these!! She retorts, "and you never will till you change your mind"

Just always remember, "Whats hers is hers and whats yours is hers"!!!!

[cueball]

what does it mean when a woman is in the lounge room?

the chain in the kitchen is too long!


what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

nothing, she has already been told twice

[cueball]

why do women get married in white?

that is the colour of all the best household appliances!

what does wife stand for?

washing, ironing, ****ing, etc;

[prometheus578]

"Not wife related, but..."

Old Edgar, after dinner each night, would take a walk and sit in the garden of the nursing home and reminisce about his life.
On day, while lost in thought, Beatrice walks by and asks him what he's doing. He asks her to join him, and they sit there talking for a while.
"What do you miss the most, now that you're older?" Beatrice asks.
"Well." says Edgar, "I miss all the things that I used to do... but mostly I miss having sex. I wish I could do that again."
"You old fool," says Beatrice, "At your age you can't perform any more."
"Well... I suppose you're right... But it would be nice if I could find a woman who would just hold it for me, I suppose."
Beatrice thought it over(her being a little taken by the old guy's charms)
"Well... That's not really too much to ask... I suppose I could hold it for you."
So Beatrice reaches over, unzips Edgars fly, pulls it out and holds Edgar's manhood for him.
This soon becomes a regular occurance. They meet in the garden each evening, and Beatrice satisfies Edgar in this manner.
One day, Beatrice shows up, but Edgar is nowhere to be seen. She waits a while, and then goes off looking for him. She checks the dining room, but he's not there. He's not in the recreation room, either.
She arrives at his room and is about to knock on the door when she hears moaning coming from inside. Thinking that maybe he's ill, she throws open the door and rushes inside.
There's Edgar, sitting on his bed...Ethyl at his side, and she's got a hold of his Manhood!
Beatrice, deeply hurt, "EDGAR! HOW COULD YOU! I thought I was the only one who gets to hold your Manhood? What's Ethyl got that I haven't got?"
"Parkinson's," says Edgar.


As part of the Vatican's goal to upgrade it's image, all the convents are being refurbished and remodelled. Mother Superior assigns the task of painting the dining room to two young nuns.
"Sisters," she says," I need this room painted. Take your time and do a good job. Be very careful, as I don't want you to get any paint on your habits."
She leaves, and the sisters set to work. It being hot in the room, and being mindful of what the "head penguin" said about not getting paint on their clothes, they stop for a moment to talk it over.
"You know, Sister... it's hot in here and the paint is messy. Do you think it would be alright if we took all our clothes off?"
"I don't think there would be anything wrong with that, Sister. We could lock the door... no one would be the wiser."
So, the two nuns took off their clothes, and started to paint once again.
"Oh, the work is so much easier, now."
"Yes, Sister... this remodelling is actually quite fun."
A little while later, there was a knock at the door.
"Oh my... I wonder who that is? And here we are... naked!"
"Well.... the door is locked. We can at least find out who it is."
"Who's there?"
"Blind man... Mother Superior said I should help you with the decorating."
The sisters thought it over. Though naked, they saw no harm in letting in a blind man. They unlock and open the door.
"Nice boobs. Sisters... Where do you want the blinds?"

[mro]

Abstinence

Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."


mro

[BLUEJEEPLAB]

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open by the time she brings it.

Why are women's feet so small? So they can stand closer to the sink.

[jimboreeno]

Do you people realize what coud happen to me if I got caught reading this stuff!!!

[trbig]

Do you people realize what coud happen to me if I got caught reading this stuff!!!

It's not so much the reading it that gets you in trouble... it's the part where you laughed out loud... and SWMBO came to investigate what you USED TO THINK was pretty %^$$ funny! *Sigh... some women just have no sense of humor. I try all the new blonde jokes out on my wife..... and for some reason, as I lie awake on the couch, I wonder what I said so wrong...


OK.. a few quickies for ya

Why did the woman cross the road?
That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?


What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
Kick her in the butt

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.


Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.


Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Thank you.... thank you.... I'll be here all night!! (Cause the 'puter is by the couch!) lol.

Tod

[prometheus578]

Not a wife joke, but you can play this one on her"

"Honey, I just heard on the news that some Hollywood actress was murdered."
"Oh my God, what happened?"
"Well... it said she was out jogging, and stopped at a Denny's to get something to eat. Some guy in there recognized her... ran over to her table, grabbed her knife and stabbed her."
"Oh my God... that's terrible. Who was it?"
"I don't recall... Reese... Reese Somebody."
"Witherspoon?"
"No, with her knife!"

( some guy at work pulled that one on me. Me being slow... it took a few minutes for me to realize I'd been had)

[johnboi71]

Do you know why a divorce is so expensive??

Because it's worth it!!

[BLUEJEEPLAB]

Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to...