Shop Tools - Mechanics' Definitions

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Shop Tools
Mechanics' Definitions (Humor)

DRILL PRESS

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

HACKSAW

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL

Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

VISE-GRIPS

Used to round off nuts and bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

NUT SPLITTER

The next step after Vise-Grips.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH

The next step after a nutsplitter. Also used for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER

See oxyacetylene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

HOT WRENCH

See oxyacetylene torch.

WIRE WHEEL

Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK

Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:

Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS

A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE

Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

MISS MAKITA POSTERS

Handy wallpaper for the inside of your shop.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

DUCT TAPE

Can substitute for practically any fastener.

WD-40

If it had alcohol in it so you could drink it, it would truly be the miracle shop fluid. It's close enough as it is. Just don't mistake this solvent for a lubricant.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

CHEATER HANDLE

A 5-foot length of 1" pipe, extremely useful for ruining ratchet handles and breaker bars.

CRAFTSMAN VS. TAIWAN

A cheater will break both of them equally well, the only difference being you can get a free replacement from Sears.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER

A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

CHAIN HOIST

A testing device to determine the load capacity of your overhead beams.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS

See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT

The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

BONDO

Makes dents smooth and leaves a reminder on your fingers for many days later.

AIR COMPRESSOR

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

MICKEY MOUSE

A term you do NOT want to hear applied to your work.